


recovery is a thing only in hindsight

by hiraethia



Series: deadweight has-been, i still love you [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Depression, Disability, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Kevin and Neil have a heart to heart, Past Injury, Recovery, Sadness, Self-Doubt, disabled!neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 09:36:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16890072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraethia/pseuds/hiraethia
Summary: neil sees kevin practicing by himself at night. they end up having a heart to heart.





	recovery is a thing only in hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is part of my disabled neil au, where the butcher did fuck up his legs but not enough that he was permanently incapacitated. based off my own experiences w injuries before, so,, yea! apparently people want more in this universe (ngl, i have more ideas for this too) so here, have some wholesome supportive friendship

The stadium lights were still on by the time Neil left Abby’s office. She’d practically forced him into her office so she could check on his legs and healing process, but Neil had offered to stay behind to close up so she could go home early. She’d left him with a chaste kiss on the forehead and a squeeze to the shoulder.

Sometimes it still amazed Neil how much the Foxes were willing to trust him, even after everything that had happened. Abby had given him the keys to her office and trusted him to lock it up, to not sabotage it or anything, just like how Wymack had trusted him with keys to the stadium and Andrew his keys to home.

Dull warmth flickered weakly in his chest at the thought.

He shut off the lights and locked the door, then tucked the keys into his locker for safekeeping. Neil tugged on his windbreaker, pausing when he heard the faint yet familiar sound of a ball ricocheting off the court walls.

His feet were taking him to the inner court before he could do anything.

Kevin was sitting in the center of the court, catching the ball in his racquet whenever it bounced his way and cradling it for a few seconds. Neil watched him for a long while, unable to stop the disquieting stirrings of envy churning in his stomach at the pure  _ ease  _ with which Kevin could play. The almost effortlessness with which he could hold his racquet, even despite the nearly career-ending injury he’d gotten from Riko only a couple years before. 

Quickly the envy turned into disgust at himself. Neil had witnessed firsthand the arduous  _ toil  _ that Kevin had put into reorienting himself so that he could even think about picking up a stick with his left hand again. He didn’t have the right to be jealous.

He glanced down at his legs, at the metal bracing arching over his knees and holding everything together. He thought back to the pain that flared in his legs every time he sprinted a little too fast, the wrenching discomfort that tore through his knees whenever he tried to straighten them without his braces. The lurching limp that the worse-than-usual days could bring on, the second of hesitation that had flickered across Ichirou’s stone-cold face when Neil blindly offered up his sorry excuse of a deal.

Where was  _ his  _ chance for recovery? Neil wondered, swallowing back the bitter taste of hopelessness and anger in his mouth. Where was  _ his  _ chance to throw off his knee braces and storm onto the court like he always used to? To wrench the emptiness out from his chest and call himself  _ okay _ again?

It wasn’t there.

And it probably wouldn’t ever be there.

Heart ashen and joints aching, Neil turned away. He was about to leave when the sound of the ricocheting ball stopped, and Kevin’s muffled voice rang out.

“Neil?”

He froze, clenching his fists. Closing his eyes, he struggled to school his face into a more neutral expression as he heard Kevin’s footsteps slowly approaching him, then the court door opening.

“Neil. What’re you doing?” he asked, softer this time.

“I was locking up Abby’s office,” Neil replied shortly.

“Oh.” Kevin paused, like he was thinking. Neil was half tempted to just leave when the silence dragged on too long, before Kevin’s voice sounded behind him again. 

“Come sit with me. You have nothing better to do anyway.” 

Neil glanced over but Kevin wasn’t there anymore. He’d turned around and headed back to the center of the court. There was an unopened bottle of beer sitting by Kevin’s racquet where he’d put it down, and an Exy ball rolling against the shaft from where Kevin had stopped his practicing.

And despite the misplaced anger and hurt still churning in his chest, Neil found himself following Kevin to the center of the court.

He didn’t resume practicing. He only tucked the ball away in the net of his racquet and set it face down so it couldn’t roll out, before settling back. Neil hovered over Kevin for a short moment, before gritting his teeth and slowly leaning down in the arduous process of sitting down. 

Pressing a palm against the cold floor, he lowered his body carefully, making sure he didn’t bend his legs too far, before he sat down with a huff. Kevin’s gaze burned on the side of Neil’s face, but he didn’t want to see what was there. He only obstinately stared ahead, clenching and unclenching his jaw as he wondered if he was  _ too cracked, too cracked _ , if everything that was fucked up in him was bleeding through the breaks.

Kevin didn’t say anything as two, three silent minutes passed. He only picked up the bottle, unscrewed and tossed aside the cap, and handed it to Neil without a word.

A shuddering sigh built up between Neil’s teeth, and he accepted the offer. Kevin watched as he took a long swig, eyes closing as the alcohol burned familiarly on his tongue and down his throat. It took his mind off the aching hollowness in his body for only a moment, before it all came flooding right back.

Kevin cleared his throat after Neil kept drinking without a word. 

“You haven’t been coming to night practices,” he said. Neil scowled at him, setting down the beer too loudly.

“And? What would I even do?” he asked in a flare of emotion - before it sputtered down like a flame from a failing lighter, leaving behind a gaping hole for guilt and shame to crawl into. 

It wasn’t Kevin’s fault he was in this mess. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault he’d been reduced to some deadweight. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault he could recover fully.

It was all on himself.

Neil looked away, curling his fingers around the top of his braces and clenching tightly enough that the metal left imprints on his skin. He could hear Kevin’s shorts shuffling against the floor as he leaned forward, but he astutely avoided his searching gaze.

“Neil, you know you’re more than your disability, right?” he said quietly. “I let myself fall into the trap for so long. It wasted  _ so  _ much of my fucking time.”

“But you could relearn,” Neil replied quietly. “I can’t.” When Kevin didn’t say anything, he unclenched his fingers and gestured vaguely down at himself. “I’m stuck like this.”

“Because I broke down, and because I worked my ass off.” Kevin’s voice was harsh, but it was a fire Neil knew wasn’t directed at him. It was for everything and everyone that had ever tried to crush them both, and had almost succeeded. “I was terrified. It wasn’t easy. You’re not going to see it get any easier until you look back. But you’re going to get somewhere.”

Neil closed his eyes, leaning back so he was lying down on his back. “Kevin.”

“Yeah.”

“I want to run again.”

Kevin didn’t say anything for a long minute. Neil tugged at his shirt, running his fingers over the frayed hems.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

For a terrible moment, Neil almost wanted to laugh, at the terrible irony of it all. His chest hurt as he opened his eyes again, blinded for a moment by the sheer brightness of the stadium lights.

“No. I want to  _ run  _ again.”

Kevin’s voice was hardly any louder than a murmur.

“You will.”

Neil snorted. “You can’t teach me how to do that, not like you taught me how to play.”

“Stop being an idiot,” Kevin snapped. “You’re already on the way there. You’re getting faster.”

“Okay.”

“You have to know when to push and when not to.”

“Then why’re you pushing me to come to night practices?” Neil countered, just to be difficult. Kevin was immune to it.

“Because I know you’re fucking scared, and I know how you feel. The more you isolate yourself the worse it’ll get. I don’t want you to drown.”

Neil opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came up. Just the same guilt that trickled through his veins like poison. Instead, he looked away, biting his lip hard enough that he almost drew blood.

“What have I done?” he whispered brokenly. Kevin turned his head, glancing over at him. He made a noise, inviting Neil to continue. Closing his eyes and exhaling deeply through his nose, Neil murmured, “I don’t know if I can keep up with...the deal I made. With Ichirou. You and Jean - of course you two can. I don’t know if I can.”

At that, Kevin sat up. His eyes hardened, like if he glared at Neil hard enough, he’d be able to snatch his words right out of the air and shatter them against the court wall.

“You know, Ichirou didn’t have to let you go alive,” he said quietly after a long minute. “I know the Moriyamas better than you do. If he didn’t like what he saw, he would’ve killed you without remorse.”

Neil’s head lolled over as he glared back up at Kevin. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better how?”

“It means, dumbass,” Kevin said, “that Ichirou still sees something of value in you.” He paused, like he was thinking, before reaching out tentatively. His fingertips brushed against Neil’s left cheek, right over his burn scars, where his tattoo had been. 

“He was never obligated to let you survive, but he did,” he murmured. “So you can’t give up now.”

Neil stared at Kevin, long and hard, before he shifted his face away from his hand when his touch felt too heavy. 

“‘M not,” he mumbled indignantly.

Kevin snorted, before settling onto his back again and staring up at the stadium lights alongside Neil. 

His answer came ten long minutes later, so quiet that Neil thought he’d hallucinated it.

“I haven’t either.”

Then, louder.

“None of us will.” 

**Author's Note:**

> please, if you liked this, leave a comment and/or kudos! support your fellow creators, especially with this whole shitfest going on in tumblr/jumping ship, etc it's a turbulent time and we rly appreciate any support we can get <3 
> 
> i will be doing more, i have at least 2 more parts to go w this series. if u have any specific ideas/things u want to see within this universe let me know too!


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